I went to Christchurch London on Sunday and felt quite encouraged. The sermon was focused on Abram and Lot (Genesis 12) and about how both Abram and Lot were righteous men, but how Abram lived by faith, where as Lot just followed on. The preacher (Matt someone or other) begged us not to settle into a domestic life, when we could be out there living exciting lives, basically putting our lives on the line for God. He told us to not to count the cost of following Christ, but just to get out there and do it.
It was encouraging because I think that’s pretty much what I’ve done. I have sold everything I have, and removed myself as far as possible from a settled life that I can’t get out of. I am working a contract job so that I can get up at any time and move on. But looking back, and counting the cost, it seems to be a very big cost I have paid, and I haven’t even really gotten anywhere yet. I have lost so many friends over the last year, and it hurts so badly. I don’t really even understand why I have lost them.
My only insight I have, which is really a spiritual insight, and possibly not the actual reasons they no longer want to be around me, is that darkness does not like light, and as I search to be closer to God it makes me less attractive to those who live in the world. Tonight I am reminded of one of the times of my life when I heard God speak directly into my life. I think it was in Dominica in 1992 and the words were “The world will hate you, but do not fear (worry?) because it hated me first, and I will always be with you”. I was also listening to the words of the song “Above all”, in particular the chorus goes:
Crucified, laid behind a stone
You lived to die, rejected and alone
Like a rose, trampled on the ground
You took the fall, and thought of me, above all
A lot of the time I feel rejected and alone, like a rose, trampled on the ground, as if no-one can see the beauty inside, and so very, very alone. But I am reminded that Christ also was as I am now. He had done nothing wrong, and yet he was hated and reviled, rejected and alone. I don’t ‘think’ I have done anything wrong, at least I cannot think that I have done anything to make everyone turn their backs on me, but it’s happened so many times, I have to ask what is wrong with me.
This is where a lot of my depression comes from though, so I lean toward the realization that darkness and light cannot mix, and it’s better to be away from the darkness and living in the light and alone, than living in the darkness without my God.
I have an interview with Medecins Sans Frontieres on Thursday, 6 April. Scarey. It’s as if everything that I have been working towards is starting to come to fruition, and it terrifies me.
I read an article this morning about two men who killed a man with brain damage just for fun, so they could film the prank on their mobile phones. It’s this senseless idiocy that I just don’t get in this day and age. Why, why, why???? Why do people have to get so much pleasure out of causing other people pain? I just don’t understand.
I am beginning to believe that the world will never become a better place. I honestly believe we are living in the end times, and it is only going to get worse and worse until Jesus gets back. The world is a scarey place, and I desparately wan to help those who are suffering.
At the same time I sometimes wonder why I have such contempt for the society I live in. I like being comfortable and having my toilet, my food, my nice bedroom and clothes etc, but in the same way, I almost despise the way I have been given everything, and I’m so privileged, but there are so many who were never given my privileges. What makes me so special? How can I not take my god-given mind and talents and give it all back to those who have nothing?
How can we in Western Society expect God to take us seriously? We talk of being blessed, and God pouring blessings out on our head, and making us rich. It’s utter madness. Why should God care if we are rich, so long as we have the basic rights and necessities of life. There are so many with nothing, why should we be given more than the right to live, when they are not even given this.
I know that’s probably a bit harsh, and I know it’s harsh the way I feel when Christians talk about their small dreams and goals, without looking outside the square to what belonging to God is really all about.
I want so much to be passionate about what I believe, and to stop being afraid. I am afraid to relax, afraid to be myself, afraid that I will sink back into the old ways and fall away from God again. It makes me a very boring person to be around, and I never wanted to be that type of person. I used to be so full of love, and laughter, and that’s me, that’s my personality, but I’m too scared to give it reign. I am struggling so hard to reach a balance between being a total bore and a flirt. I try not to be flirty although it come so naturally to me, that I withdraw into myself and because a total bore. Then I am scared to be a bore and I come out of myself, and always seem to push it too far…
I need to lose some weight, I know that for sure. I need to try and get some fitness together so that when I do end up overseas in some scarey place, I will at least be able to run away from the bad people.
Ah, a Don Francisco song has just come on. He’s a bit old-fashioned, but sometimes he has the greatest lyrics. Awesome!!
If you’re tired and weary, weak and heavy-laden
I can understand how it feels to be alone
I will take your burdens, if you let me love you
Wrap my arms around you, give your heart a home.
That’s a nice note to go to bed on.
Lord, you know I love you. You know I want nothing more than to be one with you. Please help me to seek first your kingdom, not counting the cost, but giving everything to do your will, whatever that is.
Oh and please help me to find out what your will is……
