The Sphere Effect

I wonder if I will rue the day that I gave my family access to my blog? Goodness me, I think everyone in the world knew more about my condition than I ever did until very recently. I guess I am glad as without the prayers of all of my wonderful friends around the world I might not be here right now to write about it!!

Hello everyone! It’s me!! Really me writing this all by myself! I am home from hospital much earlier than any expectations, and I am finally managing to drag myself onto the computer to let everyone know how well I am doing.

I am told that I should still be in South Africa Hospital for the next 3 weeks before I will be stable enough to come home to Perth and then possibly another three months in hospital in Perth before coming home to Mum and Dad’s house so you can imagine my relief to find myself in my parent’s home only 3 and a half weeks after being diagnosed with HUS. Especially after also being told that I nearly died several times except for a series of miraculous interventions on behalf of God! I cannot say that I am feeling well, but much better than I was, and I hope for a full recovery in a very short period of time.

I have to apologise to all of my non-religious friends for the overwhelming amount of religiousness in all of the previous posts (and this one) but you see, I have special insight now and I know that an awful lot of you were shooting of prayers left, right and center when you knew what a terrible situation I was in. I have to say thank you, thank you, thank you, because God listened, and he answered, and I am here today because of it.

I know that many of you will have lots of questions about what happened, and probably about MSF too, but I don’t think I will have the energy for all of that just now. I will briefly explain about the illness and will spend some time on what happened in Itang a little later on. That is all a little painful at the moment as I need to spend some time working on just how I feel about being ripped out of my dream job and country and sent back home where I feel I don’t really belong just now.

I first got ill with diarrhea around the 19th May. I didn’t think anything of it as everyone gets these things when one visits a foreign country like Ethiopia. It didn’t effect my daily work and lasted about five days. After this it turned into bloody diarrhea with abdominal cramping and severe vomiting. I was working in a Health Centre and the doctors were trying very hard to work out what was wrong with me, but any samples showed no parasites or bacteria. I was getting sicker and sicker and they decided that they needed to send me to the capital Addis Ababa to a hospital for further attention. Unfortunately this isn’t so easy as there are only 3 flights a week, and the next flight was full.

Luckily for me, one of my close local friends was good friends with the ticketing officer of Ethiopia Airlines and managed to get me on a flight. If he hadn’t, I’m told I would have died.

When I left Itang, I thought I was leaving for about three days. I barely packed any of my things, and I didn’t really get the opportunity to say goodbye to all of my friends. I have never seen them or spoken to them again, something that is very painful for me to deal with.

I was picked up and taken straight to the best private hospital in Addis where I remained for a week. I didn’t realise that I was getting sicker and sicker but the MSF people in Addis did, and it was the Medical Director who made the call to have me Medi-Vacced to Johannesburg. If he hadn’t made the call when he did, I would have died within a day.

I have very little memory of the events after I arrived in Johannesburg. It is a maze of machines, and tubes, and blood transfusions, and oxygen and no-one told me how sick I was, or that there were several times I was within hours of death. It was also a time of being uplifted and knowing that I was being held in the hands of Christ. Every day emails were pouring in from all of the world telling me that people were praying for me, and that angels surrounded me. People I knew, people I didn’t know, churches I had never heard of. This was the one thing that sustained me through all of the pain and the sickness.

There were several times where I heard the quiet voice of Christ assuring me of healing, and usually it was the next morning when some miraculous breakthrough would have happened over night.

I don’t know why I was ripped out of Itang and sent back home. I don’t understand why God would let this happen to me when all I have ever wanted to do was serve him. But throughout this all, I remain convinced that he is sovereign, and that his plans will be served not mine. I will do my best to follow him no matter what the cost.

I am not yet at a place where I can consider the future, but I think it will come very soon, and I will let you know when I start walking down that road.

Thanks once again for your amazing support without which I wouldn’t be here.

God bless all.

Heidi
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It is interesting sometimes to see the way that God works, when we do not know he is working!

I am still struggling with what I am going to do next year - I am still thinking that MSF is probably going to be the way that I go, but I would like to have a little more assurance that it is the best thing for me.

The only real assurance that I have felt in the last week, is that I should go to Chiang Mai - so I booked my ticket last week to come and join Kath up in the north of Thailand. And this is where we see God’s hand at work, arranging things in advance, and making sure that his purposes are achieved. Kath has been volunteering in a new and very small orphanage in Chiang Mai. They currently have two small babies (Josiah - 7 weeks, and Samuel - 3 months) and a gorgeous little 3 year old girl - Esther. There were two Thai nannies working here, particularly looking after the two babies, and they both quit on Friday.

I arrived on Saturday and together, Kath (who arrived last Monday), another volunteer Jess, and I have been looking after the children since then. The people who run the orphanage are trying to find some new nannies, but they are fortunate that they have the volunteers here already and able to step into the gap.

It is such a big job. I have watched my friends struggle with their new babies and I was aware of what a full-time job it was, but having two small babies under three months of age, one of them who never stops crying, is very difficult. In addition, not having the bond between a mother and child which perhaps helps in those times when the baby is crying at 4am, ensures that it is a very difficult job.

I must admit that I feel a bit helpless, and that most of the night-time feeding (ok all of it so far) has been done mostly by Kath and by Jess. I am now getting to see Kath in full-on worker mode, and she is fantastic. She never stops…..

I am finding that I really hate travelling on my own, so I’m really relieved to be out of Bangkok, and here in Chiang Mai with friends. I miss Banda Aceh all ready, and the friends that I made there . I really do hope to go back there at some time in the near future.

As far as Hati’s moped is concerned, I have been advised that they were buying the bike on the weekend, but haven’t been in touch with them since. As soon as I get some pics, I’ll put them up here.

I’ll keep you updated as to how I go with the babies. Anyone who knows me well will know that I am not very good with babies… It’s a great learning experience…

So we finished with a tearful goodbye to Katrina and Mary as I started off on my next adventure to New Wine conference off somewhere near Bath.

I didn’t know very much about New Wine, except that it was a christian conference and that I would be camping for a week with English Cath and Aussie Kath. Haven’t been camping for many years, so was a bit ramped up for that. Also, it seems that up until this point everything was about Greece and meeting Kels and Mary and Katrina. So at this point I was looking ahead and realising that I only have five weeks left in England. Didn’t realise just how terrified I would start to feel at this point. At any rate I was hoping that I could get some special out of the conference, but wasn’t really sure what it was going to be all about.

Well!! It was awesome! Haven’t been to a Christian Conference for years and years and years. Wayy too long. It is so nice to be able to spend time in an environment with people who are like me and where I can totally relax and be myself. And the teaching! Really, really good.

I was actually quite surprised because New Wine is a part of the Anglican Church (Church of England), but whoever said that the Anglican Church in England was dying. I haven’t seen such a vibrant alive group of Anglicans together… well, ever actually! I think there were about 7000 people there the week I went and there were going to be 15000 the following week.

The week was broken up into about 5 talks a day, and two main worship times, one in the morning and one in the evening - Fantastic music - learned lots of new songs - the bands were from Trinity Church and from the Vineyard at Trent - well worth getting the CDs. The main things I ended up getting from the conference, was the call to get out of our comfort zones and commit to a higher purpose in this world. We are the hands and feet of Christ here on earth, and we have been called to give everything we have to those in need, not to live lives of Consumer Christianity. It is no wonder the world thinks that Christians are hypocritical and stupid. In most cases we live lives that are broken up into what we can get out of life, instead of living the extreme life that Christ called us to.

The week affirmed for me that my calling is to go and be Christ to those who don’t know him. To those who have no food or water, or clothing. To those who are suffering from the destruction of their worlds through natural disasters, and man-made greed and conflicts. To those who are orphaned or widowed because of AIDS and sickness and poverty. Those countries who have nothing, and who are raped and pillaged and are dying desparate deaths while we in the West sit back and close our eyes, while we watch our TVs, listen to our MP3 players, go to our expensive Gymnasiums, take our drugs, drink our alcohol, and live lives that are excessive and disgusting when looked at from the eyes of an African Orphan who has nothing.

As one of the teachers said during the week - if all of the food and resources of the world was divided up per year so that every single person on earth had adequate to be comfortable, and healthy - 3 meals a day, then we in the West used up our yearly share in March this year. Since March we have been living on someone elses food, and that person is dying or is already dead.

We heard from another missionary in Burundi about the needs in Burundi - and about in the Congo, how men and children are enslaved and put in the mines searching for a material called Coltan - and their wives and mothers are shot and raped in order to keep these slaves under control. This material called Coltan is what we use in our mobile phones, laptops and playstations to keep them from overheating. 80% of the world’s Coltan comes from these mines - so we in the West directly affect what happens there. If you are interested in reading more - please check out this site: http://www.johannhari.com/archive/article.php?id=863

As you can probably tell my passion has been raised up another notch, and my determination to try and do my bit to ’save the world’. It’s not a task that one person can do, and I know how difficult it is to try and make a difference, but I cannot, I WILL NOT sit back and do nothing anymore. I will give everything I can … I don’t yet know how, but I am at least going to make a start.

I bought heaps of books and a few cds at the end of the week - One called Healing Rain which is Michael W Smith’s latest CD.

Words that are going around and around in my head today from MWS.

All I have in this world
Is fire from above
All I have in this world
Is you
And all the journeys I have walked
I know you’ve walked them too
All I want is to be faithful
All I want is you

All I have is a love
That set my world on fire
Let it fall, let it burn in me
And oh to be a friend of God is all that I desire
All I want is to be faithful
All I want is you

A silent call from a distant land
Crying for a helping hand, so
How long will it go on?
Ignorance and vanity
Supercede humanity, so
How long it will go on?
I want to know how long will it go on?

We can’t wait any longer
They’re crying out, doesn’t it matter
We can’t wait any longer
No, no. Too long in a slumber
Shake it up, wake it up now.
We can’t any longer. No, no.

Another child is laid to rest
Another day of hopelessnes, so
How long it will go on?
And every day we’re on the fence brings
Another fatal consequence, so
How long will it go on?
I want to know, how long will it go on?

Yuko awezayo kusikia kilio chetu? (Can somebody hear us crying out?)
Twaomba msaada wenu (Somebody help us)
Aweko mwenye kuttuoka (Somebody save us)
Aweko mwenye kutupa uhuru (Somebody free us)

And finally this song from Delirious

40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It’s a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren’t we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.

100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone’s drugs.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.

Yes he reigns, yes you reign, yes you reign,
For there is only one true God,
But we’ve lost the reins on this world,
Forgive us all, forgive us please,
As we fight for this broken world on our knees.

To see pictures of New Wine (not many I know) please click on the Album Below

Evie from church was very kind this week. She sent me a bible verse by text ‘ Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart’. Lovely… now if I could only work out what the desires of my heart are. On one hand I think I desire a home, and a family and children, and all the stuff that goes with it. But on the other hand I want to live an exciting, unique, traveller’s life style, where I can go to all four corners of the earth and do all sorts of things. Complete opposites! I guess this is one I will have to trust God to know best on.

Have had a very stressful week with work, driving all around the countryside. I have a project deadline of this Friday, and I hope we are able to meet it. Not a good feeling inside about everything.

I should get up shortly and prepare to go to church. I’m not in a good place in my head right now about everything, I hope I can put myself in a good frame to worship God. I want to give him my best ALL THE TIME.

I can’t believe this. Just as I make up my mind that I am not going to count the cost, that I give everything to God, and I don’t care what it costs me, I get offered an incredible, INCREDIBLE job, which is like everything I ever wanted. I feel so special, so privileged, so wanted.

And I so have to turn it down… Staying in the UK is still an option for me I know. But if I do that, then I will have to give up my dreams. I know that I could stay in this job for just a year or two years, but in truth I know that I will get settled into the job and it will be the hardest thing in the world to give it all up again. If I am going to do this Humanitarian work, NOW is the time, now is the place. I have spent so many years running from my promises to God and it is now time to stand up and be counted.

But I can’t help wondering sometimes, what if I have it all wrong? What if God has put me in the place and this time to make a lot of money and use it for him?

But no – remembering how God feels about those who are rich:

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God.

Or

If you want to follow me, sell everything you have and give it all to the poor, then you can follow me.

Or

What profits a man to gain a fortune, but to lose his soul.

In truth I am tired of working in the telecoms industry. I want to do something worthwhile, although the job does interest me on a purely mental (and financial) level Everything I’ve ever wanted for my career…. But at the wrong time. Do you think I’ve been offered this to test me?

What to do, what to do.

On another note, I had my last French lesson today. At the end of the class my tutor called me out of the room and told me that I was the best student she has ever had – and that I must make sure that I continue lessons as I am really good. Find it really hard to believe as I haven’t done any of my homework and I’m finding it really hard to remember anything. It’s very flattering though.

I also got a confirmation from the University of Coventry today telling me that they have received my application to go there, and that I will hear if I have been accepted soon. Scarey! Before I know it I could have all of these offers, and I will be scratching my head as to which one I should be accepting.

Job with MSF
Highly paid career move with Accenture
University Degree with Coventry.

I don’t want to live in the UK any more – I guess that almost scraps the last two!

Father God, please please tell me what your will for me is. I am so ready, and so willing to be your hands on earth. I can only move in the path that seems to me to be the most Godly, and pray that you will shut any door that is not of you. (Now I’m wondering about the door that opened for me today…. What does that mean?) Please confirm for me if there is something specific that you want me to do.

I’m trying to hard not to count the cost, but the costs this year have been so high, and they are really starting to mount up. Are you testing me Lord?

I went to Christchurch London on Sunday and felt quite encouraged. The sermon was focused on Abram and Lot (Genesis 12) and about how both Abram and Lot were righteous men, but how Abram lived by faith, where as Lot just followed on. The preacher (Matt someone or other) begged us not to settle into a domestic life, when we could be out there living exciting lives, basically putting our lives on the line for God. He told us to not to count the cost of following Christ, but just to get out there and do it.

It was encouraging because I think that’s pretty much what I’ve done. I have sold everything I have, and removed myself as far as possible from a settled life that I can’t get out of. I am working a contract job so that I can get up at any time and move on. But looking back, and counting the cost, it seems to be a very big cost I have paid, and I haven’t even really gotten anywhere yet. I have lost so many friends over the last year, and it hurts so badly. I don’t really even understand why I have lost them.

My only insight I have, which is really a spiritual insight, and possibly not the actual reasons they no longer want to be around me, is that darkness does not like light, and as I search to be closer to God it makes me less attractive to those who live in the world. Tonight I am reminded of one of the times of my life when I heard God speak directly into my life. I think it was in Dominica in 1992 and the words were “The world will hate you, but do not fear (worry?) because it hated me first, and I will always be with you”. I was also listening to the words of the song “Above all”, in particular the chorus goes:

Crucified, laid behind a stone
You lived to die, rejected and alone
Like a rose, trampled on the ground
You took the fall, and thought of me, above all

A lot of the time I feel rejected and alone, like a rose, trampled on the ground, as if no-one can see the beauty inside, and so very, very alone. But I am reminded that Christ also was as I am now. He had done nothing wrong, and yet he was hated and reviled, rejected and alone. I don’t ‘think’ I have done anything wrong, at least I cannot think that I have done anything to make everyone turn their backs on me, but it’s happened so many times, I have to ask what is wrong with me.

This is where a lot of my depression comes from though, so I lean toward the realization that darkness and light cannot mix, and it’s better to be away from the darkness and living in the light and alone, than living in the darkness without my God.

I have an interview with Medecins Sans Frontieres on Thursday, 6 April. Scarey. It’s as if everything that I have been working towards is starting to come to fruition, and it terrifies me.

I read an article this morning about two men who killed a man with brain damage just for fun, so they could film the prank on their mobile phones. It’s this senseless idiocy that I just don’t get in this day and age. Why, why, why???? Why do people have to get so much pleasure out of causing other people pain? I just don’t understand.

I am beginning to believe that the world will never become a better place. I honestly believe we are living in the end times, and it is only going to get worse and worse until Jesus gets back. The world is a scarey place, and I desparately wan to help those who are suffering.

At the same time I sometimes wonder why I have such contempt for the society I live in. I like being comfortable and having my toilet, my food, my nice bedroom and clothes etc, but in the same way, I almost despise the way I have been given everything, and I’m so privileged, but there are so many who were never given my privileges. What makes me so special? How can I not take my god-given mind and talents and give it all back to those who have nothing?

How can we in Western Society expect God to take us seriously? We talk of being blessed, and God pouring blessings out on our head, and making us rich. It’s utter madness. Why should God care if we are rich, so long as we have the basic rights and necessities of life. There are so many with nothing, why should we be given more than the right to live, when they are not even given this.

I know that’s probably a bit harsh, and I know it’s harsh the way I feel when Christians talk about their small dreams and goals, without looking outside the square to what belonging to God is really all about.

I want so much to be passionate about what I believe, and to stop being afraid. I am afraid to relax, afraid to be myself, afraid that I will sink back into the old ways and fall away from God again. It makes me a very boring person to be around, and I never wanted to be that type of person. I used to be so full of love, and laughter, and that’s me, that’s my personality, but I’m too scared to give it reign. I am struggling so hard to reach a balance between being a total bore and a flirt. I try not to be flirty although it come so naturally to me, that I withdraw into myself and because a total bore. Then I am scared to be a bore and I come out of myself, and always seem to push it too far…

I need to lose some weight, I know that for sure. I need to try and get some fitness together so that when I do end up overseas in some scarey place, I will at least be able to run away from the bad people.

Ah, a Don Francisco song has just come on. He’s a bit old-fashioned, but sometimes he has the greatest lyrics. Awesome!!

If you’re tired and weary, weak and heavy-laden
I can understand how it feels to be alone
I will take your burdens, if you let me love you
Wrap my arms around you, give your heart a home.

That’s a nice note to go to bed on.

Lord, you know I love you. You know I want nothing more than to be one with you. Please help me to seek first your kingdom, not counting the cost, but giving everything to do your will, whatever that is.

Oh and please help me to find out what your will is……